Recovery

I shouldn't need to tell anyone that this is the internet and my lonely opinion, but now I've done it anyway. I thought this conversation was interesting. A lot of people ask me what I think about recovery, if I plan to recover - things of that nature.

vani says (3:53 PM):
Hey... have you ever thought about a day you may consider recovery?
カオナシ says (3:54 PM):
There is no such day for me.
カオナシ says (3:55 PM):
One day I will reach a weight where I am happy with myself. I don't know what that weight is yet because I'm not there. It's obviously less than 118lbs. I think it might be somewhere around 110lbs. I want to be skinny, but not a skeleton. I don't want even one person to look at me and casually think, "She could lose a few pounds." When I get there I plan to stay there... which will be great because I can adjust my calories to maintain and not lose.
vani says (3:58 PM):
But can't you see? This is no way to live for the rest of your life. You will not be happy. We should all realize that we'll be dead before we're thin enough. I guess I'm a damn hypocrite for telling you that but its unfortunately true.
カオナシ says (4:01 PM):
I won't be dead before I'm thin enough. I'm not (in lack of a better term) stupid enough to do that. What good is my hard work if I can't live to enjoy it? Why would I do this to myself if it was my intention to die? It'd only be for attention if that were the case - and this is certainly not for attention. It would be pointless to go out of my way for anonymity if that were true.
vani says (4:03 PM):
I know. see I totally agree with that but I can't help to wonder if things can get out of control.
カオナシ says (4:03 PM):
Despite the pictures I post, PERSONALLY...

...this is too thin. I do not want to look like this and I am far from it. The thinnest I would EVER want to be is around 95lbs.
カオナシ says (4:04 PM):

This is nice. This is about ideal. I'm getting closer to that.
vani says (4:04 PM):
oh my goodness!
that first one is too thin
カオナシ says (4:05 PM):
If I die then I fail. If I get sick then I'm doing something wrong. If I'm incapacitated then I need to rehabilitate myself and start again. The goal isn't to die or literally waste away. My intention is to be pretty damn thin and look good doing it. If I do it right, it will seem effortless.
vani says (4:05 PM):
but the second one is nice. I want to be like her but a little thinner. I'm kinda obsessed with making my thighs supersmall. ARRGG. and even when my torso gets stick thin my thighs are still there saying: muahahaa we're too nasty to give in to your hunger. I know my goal is the same as yours but it just scares me a little because somtimes I feel like what I see in the mirror may be disillusioned
カオナシ says (4:10 PM):
Any time I worry about that I hop on over to any BMI calculator and focus on the cold, hard truth: I am AVERAGE at best. My BMI rests somewhere in the middle - on a good day it's on the lower end of average. No where near underweight. No where near "anorexic" in medical terms. I stay around 19%. Even the old school "pinch test" devices at my gym tell me so. I know what I'm seeing is what I get.
カオナシ says (4:11 PM):
Is it okay if I post some of our conversation to my blog? I'll change your name. People ask me about recovery a lot and I think it'd be nice to have my position on the matter cleared up a bit.
vani says (4:12 PM):
haha no problem i dont even mind if you dont change the name.

So here it is and now you all know. :]

Fasting, Before and After Thinspo

I was at my lowest weight of 118lbs (53.5kg) not so long ago. I'm at 125lbs (56.7kg) now (which is nothing considering that I was at 132lbs (59.9kg) a few days ago.) I decided that I wasn't losing fast enough so the solution was simple: stop eating all together. Water only!

I'm 36 hours into this fast and I haven't lost a thing. When I started I was 125.2lbs. I weighed myself before bed and I had gone up to 125.6lbs! I weighed myself when I woke up and I was back at 125.2lbs.

I'm at work now but I plan to hit the scale as soon as I get home. If I haven't lost I'll make a B-line for the gym. If I've lost I'll make a B-line for the gym anyway because this is bullshit and I can do better.

Anyone else have such shitty results with fasting?

In my experience it's much more better and effective to restrict. I don't know why I gave in and fasted this time. I guess I was just desperate to really feel like I was making progress. Fasting makes me feel empty, weak, light headed and all the rest of it... but I never have anything to show for it. On top of that, I end up gaining anything I miraculously managed to lose as soon as I eat a bite of food. Who knew half an apple could weigh half a pound?

Damn you, body. If you want me to be "healthy" you'll start giving me the results I need. If you showed me that I could eat and lose weight then I'd continue to eat. But you're incapable, and so I can't eat. (A more logical person would say, "Hey doofus. That's a sign that you need to eat. Your body is obviously malfunctioning due to lack of food. It's showing you that it needs to eat." To you I say, "This is my experiment so fuck off. No one said it would be easy.")

"Decisions, oh decisions, are to be made and not fought for... I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot. I guess not."

Have some before and after thinspo. [: