I'm taking the death of my friend a lot harder than I thought I would be. We weren't best friends since childhood or anything. I only knew him for five years. He didn't even live in the same country as I do. We probably saw each other twice a year in a good year. We would talk on the phone perhaps once a week. Maybe a word or two over an instant messenger every day. We met awkwardly at a restaurant in downtown LA.
I've been lighting a candle for him every night, sometimes sporadically throughout the day as well. He had aplastic anemia. He lived almost two years longer than they thought he would. He passed away on Thursday September 9th and his funeral was Sunday September 12th in France. I found out very late on the 10th, but the sorrow didn't hit me until the evening of the 16th. He left me a few things. I have to sign some paperwork and get them notarized and faxed. I don't want to. I've been avoiding phone calls about it for days. As disrespectful and selfish as it is: I don't want it.
It'll just remind me of him.
I've been crying a good 4 hours a day for the past few days. I can't do it while I'm at school or work so I find time when my roommate is out and I have the apartment to myself. I'm thankful that my roommate isn't out too often or I'd probably cry a lot more. My eyes feel like they're on fire all the time. I have headaches. I've been unintentionally water fasting for almost three days. I suppose that's a blessing. I've lost almost 4lbs.
On a different page! My girlfriend, who I love dearly and who has been the most amazing part of my life for nearly the past year, broke up with me yesterday. Maybe I'm crying more or less about that too. It wasn't a messy ordeal but it left me very confused. Any girls out there want to translate what this means?
She was in two very bad and physically abusive relationships before I came along. They were both very masculine men. I'm the opposite. She called me "Victor" from Corpse Bride - I'm a skinny little bastard with effeminate features and a pointy face. I'm an old fashioned romantic: I give flowers and candy. I like to go to movies and pay the dinner tab. I pull out chairs and tell her to wait so I can run around the car to open her door. I say this for perspective, in case it plays in to her decision somehow. (I have no idea how women work.)
She broke up with me for the following reasons, in no specific order, as best as I can recall from our conversation:
- She needs time to heal from her previous relationships.
- She rushed into a relationship with me. (It was 8 months after her last one ended.)
- She doesn't want to end up hurting me and thinks I deserve better.
- She can't handle a long-distance relationship. (We live about 3 hours apart.)
- She kept emphasizing that if "our paths crossed" later and it was meant to be that we should give it another shot, but right now just wasn't the time. She also kept insisting that she still wanted to be friends and see me just as often... so I'm puzzled by her meaning.
Was this a nice way of friend zoning me? What little male instincts I have tell me there's another guy somewhere and I should shoot him. (I know I'm not capable of kicking anyone's ass. That's why bullets were invented. I'm not cowardly - just practical.) My insecure bits are telling me that I wasn't her type all along and she just used me as a rebound.
I'm also struggling with the proper way to conduct myself beyond this point. She wants to see me on Monday night but I have no idea what's appropriate and what isn't. Can I hug her? What if I accidentally use a pet name? Do I still pay for things? Do girls realize how perplexing they are?
Advice? Please?
I've started and ended every relationship I've ever been in with the exception of this one. She asked me on our first date, she made it clear me to me when we should start taking it seriously, and she suddenly decided to end it. I'm really inexperienced in playing this role. I've never been heartbroken before. It hurts. A lot. More than anything ever has. :/
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You thought "gaunt visage" was a joke, didn't you?
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