No, not that kind of anonymous. This post is here in order to respond to a comment left by an anonymous reader. While I'm on the topic: responding to comments is a difficult task for me so I've opened up a poll on the side. Please respond if you've the time. It would mean so much to me. [:"Anonymous said...
There's no need to apologize because you haven't done anything wrong. Never be afraid to ask questions. As they say: it's better to ask and feel silly for a few moments than to be quiet and be dumb forever. ("There's no such thing as stupid questions - just stupid people." Nonsense. Everything we know is learned so you have to figure it out at some point. Better to educate yourself when the opportunity rises than miss out.) Wow, that turned into a tangent...
Back on topic: you're not the first person to ask me this question. I run into it often. I addressed it briefly in one of my previous posts by saying...
"P.S. I'm a guy. I've sneakily avoided directly mentioning my gender on several sites, but I gave up and said it on one of my pages: 'My blog and MySpace can tell you more about me than this space can - but I'll tell you one secret that they don't know: I'm anatomically male. I don't like to use the word "transgendered" (or any variation thereof) because it makes me think of people like Isis from America's Next Top Model. I'm don't consider myself pretty in the feminine sense as they are. I don't wear dresses or a full face of makeup. I don't want to have a surgery to remove my boy parts, but I'm not going to stop taking my hormones and lose my girl ones either. I hope to be more open about my anatomy in the future but I'm not ready to reveal that much about myself on MySpace or via my blog yet. I guess you could say that I'm testing the waters here. I don't mind what people think of me (it won't make me change,) but I am very weary of making them uncomfortable."
To expand on what I mean by this as it applies to the eating disorder community: it's a known fact that statistically speaking most people who have anorexia or bulimia are young women. What I've gathered from my personal experiences tells me that most of these women are simply more comfortable interacting with another woman. Unfortunately most of them have had very negative experiences with men. Some of them feel that a boy cannot relate to their experience as well as another girl could. Surly I cannot discuss a period I've missed or how badly I want to fit into a prom dress. I don't know what it's like to genuinely worry about losing a bra cup size due to weight loss, nor can I explain how PMS works (or even relatively what it is.) :/
For this reason I have tried my very best to use genderless nouns and so on prior to this post. I would ignore any comments pertaining to my gender. I did not want to risk making anyone feel uncomfortable. Furthermore I have created friendships with more than one person who has something along the lines of "don't add me if you're a boy" on their MySpace. (They added me and started conversation. I simply reciprocated in my usual fashion.)
As for the "gay" question... it's really up to your own personal interpretation. I consider myself a man, I am anatomically male, and I thought of the relationship between my girlfriend to be heterosexual. Some people would mistake us for a lesbian couple. Some people would think we were a gay couple. Sometimes people thought I was the girl and she was the man. It didn't bother me.
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I feel like I should throw in something about my intake for the day. All I had was an avocado and orange juice. It was a strange yet delicious combination. My recent sorrow makes me absent minded. Or have I always been, yet was less attentive?
If you have any more questions or comments I'll respond to them as best I can. Thank you for reading.
This post is going to be about more eating disorder myths. But this time it won't just be my incoherent ramblings - these points have substance to them. They don't focus so much of the physical aspects of what being anorexic or bulimic do to a person like my last post did. It's more about how eating disorders function as diseases and how individuals who are unfamiliar with EDs misinterpret them.
This page has a bunch of information and FAQs about eating disorders: http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/eatdis.htm
With the great amount of attention given to weight in our society, it's easy to construe some misconceptions surrounding eating disorders. Here are eight common misconceptions and the truth to dispel such myths.
"You're just doing it to get attention."
This is probably one of the most common misconceptions out there. Some may try to go on a diet to lose a few pounds, so in that sense one could argue that it is for vanity or to gain attention. But to a person with an ED the obsession quickly shifts from the need to look good into a compulsion of behaviors. In reality people who are entrenched in their eating disorders don't really notice the world around them. They often isolate themselves from friends and family so they have no one to "look good for." For the majority of those with an eating disorder it transcends far beyond the beauty aspect into a way to cope with stress, depression, expectations, trauma other difficult emotions.
"Eating cures anorexia/bulimia."
If this were the case the inpatient facilities tailored to treating eating disordered individuals would not have such a high rate of returning patients. If eating truly cured an eating disorder there would be far more programs specialized in force-feeding people with eating disorders. While an anorexic may eat, making it seem that he or she is "cured," it is the feelings associated with eating (before, during, and after) that truly mark where a person is in recovery. One who suffers from anorexia could eat a cheeseburger, but if the anxiety surrounding it is so great, and he or she compensates by restricting subsequent meals or over-exercising because of the larger calorie content of such a food, this can hardly be called "cured." A fear of fat and gaining weight is a symptom of anorexia, and it does not diminish (it actually usually increases) with the simple act of eating.
"People with eating disorders are weak/stupid."
Hardly. We need to have some of the strongest senses of will power out there. People who restrict (with or without purging) often do so because they are overwhelmed by emotion and feel emptiness in their lives that they feel can only be filled with control over food. It's sad that our society puts so much criticism upon those with eating disorders without understanding the mechanisms that are behind it. Perhaps they are stressed, so they don't eat. Perhaps they are unfulfilled with their relationship (or lack of). Perhaps it's work-related. Whatever the cause, emotional and binge eating is a serious medical and psychological condition. There are also studies that have shown that restricting calories actually heightens your senses and increases intellectual performance. (Google it up.)
"If you're not skin and bones, you don't have an eating disorder."
Possibly the most harmful of all of the misconceptions! Being at a normal weight and appearing to be healthy does not mean a person is not battling and engaging in anorexic or bulimic behavior. Weight is only one symptom of an eating disorder, and if a person exhibits other symptoms of anorexia (preoccupation with food, intense fear of weight gain, feeling fat despite being at a healthy weight, etc.) there is still an underlying problem. Many people assume that because they are at a somewhat normal weight, they do not need to receive treatment. Even doctors and programs overlook patients who do not fall under 85 percent of their "healthy" weight. (A person who is only 87 percent of their normal, healthy weight may be overlooked and therefore try to lose more weight to prove he or she is truly sick enough to receive treatment. How silly is that?) Just because a person appears "healthy" does not mean they are. In fact, a large number of studies show that the majority of deaths from heart failure associated with anorexia and bulimia occur when the patient is in recovery and at a more stable weight. Here's a chart of what your weight would have to be in order for the scale to tell a medical professional that you're clinically "anorexic" (more than 15% under your ideal body weight, or BMI of less than 16%)...
5'0'' / 152cm - 81lbs / 36.7kg
5'1'' / 155cm - 84lbs / 38.1kg
5'2'' / 157cm - 87lbs / 39.5kg
5'3'' / 160cm - 90lbs / 40.8kg
5'4'' / 163cm - 92lbs / 41.7kg
5'5'' / 165cm - 96lbs / 43.5kg
5'6'' / 168cm - 98lbs / 44.5kg
5'7'' / 170cm - 101lbs / 45.8kg
5'8'' / 173cm - 104lbs / 47.2kg
5'9'' / 175cm - 108lbs / 49kg
5'10'' / 178cm - 111lbs / 50.3kg
5'11'' / 181cm - 114lbs / 51.7kg
"It's healthier to be fat than too thin."
Obesity is a serious disease which should get a lot of attention because of the mortality rate. While obesity is considered by many health professionals to be an eating disorder, it is not true that all people who are obese have them. Some have genetic predispositions to obesity, so this predisposition combined with a lack of exercise and poor food choices may lead to obesity. There are certain disorders that can lead to severe weight gain: binge eating is characterized by uncontrolled eating of large quantities in a short period of time.
"Men who have eating disorders are gay."
I am proof that this is not true. Having an eating disorder in no way reflects upon your sexuality. Men are just as prone to life's stresses and traumas as women are. Any man (gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, or trans-gendered) can have an eating disorder. Many men (statistically heterosexual men) are often ashamed to admit they have an eating disorder. Some men who engage in body-building often have a disorder called "reverse anorexia" in which the person tries to add weight and obsesses about food choices, calories, and exercising. While not as publicized, this "reverse anorexia" can be deadly, as seen in recent years following the deaths of many professional sports stars. Gay men and straight men are susceptible to life's pressures. Having an eating disorder does not mean you are gay and should not keep you from communicating about your eating disorder with others for fear of judgment.
"Medication can cure an eating disorder."
While medications are extremely helpful in treating disorders such as depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and others, no medication truly "cures" an eating disorder. Medications often help to take the edge off of obsessive thinking and alleviate some of the associated depression often occurring with the disorders. However, numerous studies have shown that medication in conjunction with various forms of therapy, nutritional counseling, and other approaches yields a better prognosis than simply medication alone. Not everybody responds to medications the same and what works for one person may not work for everyone.
"You can just start eating and stop having the disorder. Why don't you?"
Again: eating does not magically cure an eating disorder. It can make it worse. This misconception can be very frustrating to those with a loved one who suffers from an eating disorder. The misconception that one can control or snap out of their disorder often adds friction to many relationships and ultimately leads to further isolation of the eating disordered individual. While those suffering from an eating disorder do ultimately control their behavior (as we all do), there lies within them a force that becomes so great that the person often feels they are compelled to go about their behaviors in order to quiet the eating disorder voice. I use the word "voice" with much caution, as it automatically implies that those with eating disorders are delusional, hear voices and must be psychotic. This is not the case. I simply refer to this "voice" as a way to separate the eating disorder identity from the true identity of the sufferer. People often feel that when their loved one does not stop their behaviors, it is a direct way for the sufferer to spite the supporter. As a matter of fact, many people who suffer from eating disorders say that they wish they could stop, but often times it feels automatic, like they are on auto-pilot and don't realize they are doing the behavior until they complete it. It's just a routine way of life, as eating normally is a normal behavior for someone else. Someone who suffers from bulimia could make a conscious decision not to go to the bathroom after a meal, but the anxiety that arises from not purging is far too great. Why suffer when it can be easily alleviated by purging? This reinforces the importance of the behavior and further cements it into a person's automatic behavior. Eating disorders are medical and psychological diseases, and many people do not seek treatment because they fear being judged.
At least it's going to start cooling down as the week goes on. I've been taking the motorcycle to work and it's killing me. The wind as I drive doesn't even cool me down. It just makes it worse because it's a hot, dry heat.
Why am I taking the motorcycle? I got into a car accident.
We'll call the pink car Mr. Pink. The light turned green for my lane to turn left. I finished the turn and was continuing straight down the street. Mr. Pink was pulling out of a Walgreen's parking lot to make an illegal left hand turn against oncoming traffic. There was a big blue van in front of me that swerved to avoid him, but I couldn't get out of the way myself without hitting either Mr. Pink or the van so I slammed my brakes and hit Mr. Pink's car head on.
My front bumper cracked, the headlight imploded, turn signal was gone, driver's side front tire went flat, fog lamp was gone, and driver's side front fender had a huge dent. It was bent in so far that the car couldn't be driven because I wasn't able to turn the tire at all. It had to be towed to a shop.
His rear bumper fell off (just due to the impact, there was no actual damage to it) and his driver's side rear fender had a big dent.
Mr. Pink has Allstate and I have Geico. I have to take a moment to really vouch for my insurance company. Geico did a fantastic freaking job handling this entire thing. I'll start from the beginning.
When the accident had just happened (Wednesday) the first thing I did was call Geico and report it. They sent out a tow truck and took my car to a nearby friend's house where it could sit in the driveway until things were sorted out. After I was done they told me to call Mr. Pink's insurance company (Allstate) and give them a statement. I had to call Allstate for two days before I was able to get a claim number and leave a statement. For the first day (Wednesday) they kept telling me that the claim was so fresh the computer wouldn't let them edit it. They promised they would call me back the next day (Thursday) but they never did. I had to call them on Thursday night because they forgot to call me. I left my statement and they said they would be closed over the weekend so I should expect a phone call on Monday.
Monday comes and goes with no contact. I call Allstate on Tuesday and get directed to a confused agent who keeps insisting that my car is already at a body shop and that an adjuster has already looked at it. Somewhere along the lines they realize that I am not Mr. Pink (they had been giving me information about him and his car all along,) so they apologize and start asking me questions: when was the accident? What happened? I tell them that I already gave my statement and I'm just following up because they said they'd contact me on Monday but never did. The guy says something like, "Well if WE said WE would contact you - then WE will do it when WE need to. You don't need to call US." and hangs up.
I'm ticked for a million reasons at this point.
1. I've had no car for an entire week.
2. That means I've missed a few days of work and school when I can't get a ride.
3. My friends are annoyed because I'm begging them for rides to and from my graveyard shifts.
4. My friend has had my car in his driveway for a week. He's not happy about parking on the street.
5. Allstate won't tell me where they are in the process, how long it will take, what they're doing, etc. They dodge my calls by promising to return them but they never do. What little information I do get from them is because I go out of my way to find someone who will talk to me.
Then, as if Geico was a guardian angel, I get a call from a claims representative. She says that they've been trying to get in contact with Allstate but that Allstate doesn't have the same hours they do. (Geico is 24/7, Allstate is 9am - 5pm and closes on weekends.) She apologizes that the process is taking so long and asks me if I've heard anything or had a chance to give them a statement yet.
I vent at this poor woman. I tell her I've been without a car for a week, I'm missing work, I'm missing school, I'm stressed out, woe to all the inhabitants of the Earth I'm the first person ever to be inconvenienced by a car accident~. She asks if I have a preference for a body shop. I tell her no. She says they'll take care of it and that's the end of that.
When they said they would take care of it they really meant it. I had a rental car driven to my house within a half hour. I had my car towed off to a body shop. I had estimates and answers to my questions and reimbursements for time lost at work and school. Allstate was paying for all of this. Apparently Geico just had to kick their ass into gear to make it happen.
I saw this license plate as I drove home from the body shop. It made me smile.
I'm also only about 10lbs away from my goal weight so that's fantastic. [: If I don't kill myself over my girlfriend / P.L. before I get there it'll be even better.
(I'm kidding. But I don't think I'd fight back if anyone felt like murdering me.)
While I'm on the topic of depressing-shit-that-makes-me-want-to-die: I've been asking for it lately. Wandering around bad parts of town, trying to start shit with people that I know I shouldn't start shit with, using a motorcycle as my main mode of transportation. Maybe I want to scare myself into feeling alive again.
This picture is about a week old. I'm getting where I want to be.
I want to start off by replying to some comments. They all meant a lot to me.
Ash: I'm really trying to take what you said to heart. If she is the one then it'll work out and if she isn't things will take their course. I'm hoping for the best. (It's false hope but that's better than a lack there of in my book.)
Liz: Anastasia is her first name, although she went by Stasi. :/ I'll take your advice and avoid hugging her. All it does is pull at my heart strings. I never pictured a hug to be a painful act before.
Shiloh: It sucks a lot worse than most things in my life have. I've managed to steer clear of events like these up until now. I guess I should be thankful that they're hitting me later in life when I'm more prepared for them. (Then again, how prepared can anyone be for death?)
Analise: *hug* You have no idea how accurate your words were. She called me crying, yelling, and wondering why I wasn't being like "everyone else." She was upset that I wasn't being a dick (in lack of a better term) because it was making her regret her decision to break up with me. I'm so lame. I asked her if I should pretend to be a dick for a few days if it would help her... even though that would be extremely difficult for me because I don't want to hurt her at all. That just made her cry more. *sigh*
Anonymous: I agree with you. Time is a wonderful healer. Unfortunately I'm a sucker who likes to put all his eggs in one basket - I am holding on 100% to the tiny glimmer of a chance that she will genuinely want me back when she's ready. I know it's bullshit but it's the best coping mechanism I've got right now. I'm sort of convincing myself that this is a break. I figure that when I'm ready to move on (1,000 years from now) I will.
I would like to apologize for seeming so attention hungry. After looking back on my last post I strike myself as pretty pathetic. If you're comparing any aspect of your life to mine and thinking "damn, I guess I need to get over my problems because they aren't so bad..." please don't. (Unless it's making you feel better somehow?)
Pain is relative.
Let's say one man's dog dies. Another man has just lost his entire family. Most people would look at the situation and pity the man lacking a family. But what if the first man had no family himself? What if that dog was his sole companion for 15 years? What if the second man hardly knew his family, had a strong dislike for them, and gained a large inheritance that he was very pleased with due to their passing? No one can know a life unless they've lived it. If you're going through a difficult time chances are that they are just as hard to cope with as mine. (If not more difficult.)
Don't ever feel bad for feeling bad is what I'm trying to get at. If you feel hurt that feeling is there for a reason. Don't dismiss it. No one has the right to tell you that your emotions are misplaced or irrational. They may seem extreme or excessive to the outside world, but that's only because they don't have the perspective that you do.
No personal experience of mine has inspired the above words, but I can't remember how many times I've listened to one person tell another that they need to "get over it" or that they're "exaggerating." Why would you tell someone in their time of need that their emotions are unfounded or illogical? Do you really think that it's going to help them at all? Do you think they will magically snap out of their current state and say, "Gee. You're right. I really did get in over my head. I'm perfectly fine now!"
At the same time I recognize that people usually say such hurtful things because they themselves feel bad. They have a friend in front of them that they can do little or nothing to help. But c'mon... use your head a little. Adhere to the old "if you've nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" rule and give them a silent hug instead. (At times people do just need a reality check. I'm excluding those instances - and even in those cases, there are nicer ways to go about doing things.)
Another thing that grates on my nerves is when people say, "don't do anything stupid." Really? You think that calling potential actions of someone who already feels bad "stupid" is going to help them out? You think that referring to one of their coping mechanisms as "stupid" will prevent them from doing it? Why don't you say, "If things get really rough, I'm here for you." "If you're about to go to a dark place, talk to me first." Be direct if you want to. "Please don't hurt yourself. I love you too much for that."
I understand. You're mad. You think that what they are doing is "stupid." But it apparently isn't "stupid" to them if they keep doing it. Why don't you try to help them instead of indirectly calling them names? Why don't you tell them they're pretty, or smart, or that you're glad you talked today instead of planting the thought of self-harm in their head?
I think I'm angry. Or something. "I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like."
I signed some papers. I have a lot of money that I don't know what to do with. I forgot how valuable the Euro was in comparison to the US Dollar.
I want to sleep forever but I can't sleep at all.
I'll never sleep again.
I'll never even close my eyes.
I'm taking the death of my friend a lot harder than I thought I would be. We weren't best friends since childhood or anything. I only knew him for five years. He didn't even live in the same country as I do. We probably saw each other twice a year in a good year. We would talk on the phone perhaps once a week. Maybe a word or two over an instant messenger every day. We met awkwardly at a restaurant in downtown LA.
I've been lighting a candle for him every night, sometimes sporadically throughout the day as well. He had aplastic anemia. He lived almost two years longer than they thought he would. He passed away on Thursday September 9th and his funeral was Sunday September 12th in France. I found out very late on the 10th, but the sorrow didn't hit me until the evening of the 16th. He left me a few things. I have to sign some paperwork and get them notarized and faxed. I don't want to. I've been avoiding phone calls about it for days. As disrespectful and selfish as it is: I don't want it.
It'll just remind me of him.
I've been crying a good 4 hours a day for the past few days. I can't do it while I'm at school or work so I find time when my roommate is out and I have the apartment to myself. I'm thankful that my roommate isn't out too often or I'd probably cry a lot more. My eyes feel like they're on fire all the time. I have headaches. I've been unintentionally water fasting for almost three days. I suppose that's a blessing. I've lost almost 4lbs.
On a different page! My girlfriend, who I love dearly and who has been the most amazing part of my life for nearly the past year, broke up with me yesterday. Maybe I'm crying more or less about that too. It wasn't a messy ordeal but it left me very confused. Any girls out there want to translate what this means?
She was in two very bad and physically abusive relationships before I came along. They were both very masculine men. I'm the opposite. She called me "Victor" from Corpse Bride - I'm a skinny little bastard with effeminate features and a pointy face. I'm an old fashioned romantic: I give flowers and candy. I like to go to movies and pay the dinner tab. I pull out chairs and tell her to wait so I can run around the car to open her door. I say this for perspective, in case it plays in to her decision somehow. (I have no idea how women work.)
She broke up with me for the following reasons, in no specific order, as best as I can recall from our conversation:
- She needs time to heal from her previous relationships.
- She rushed into a relationship with me. (It was 8 months after her last one ended.)
- She doesn't want to end up hurting me and thinks I deserve better.
- She can't handle a long-distance relationship. (We live about 3 hours apart.)
- She kept emphasizing that if "our paths crossed" later and it was meant to be that we should give it another shot, but right now just wasn't the time. She also kept insisting that she still wanted to be friends and see me just as often... so I'm puzzled by her meaning.
Was this a nice way of friend zoning me? What little male instincts I have tell me there's another guy somewhere and I should shoot him. (I know I'm not capable of kicking anyone's ass. That's why bullets were invented. I'm not cowardly - just practical.) My insecure bits are telling me that I wasn't her type all along and she just used me as a rebound.
I'm also struggling with the proper way to conduct myself beyond this point. She wants to see me on Monday night but I have no idea what's appropriate and what isn't. Can I hug her? What if I accidentally use a pet name? Do I still pay for things? Do girls realize how perplexing they are?
Advice? Please?
I've started and ended every relationship I've ever been in with the exception of this one. She asked me on our first date, she made it clear me to me when we should start taking it seriously, and she suddenly decided to end it. I'm really inexperienced in playing this role. I've never been heartbroken before. It hurts. A lot. More than anything ever has. :/
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You thought "gaunt visage" was a joke, didn't you?
