Thinspo

Anonymous: I'm interested. Please keep talking to me. [:

I think P.L. got tangled up in my heart strings on his ascent (descent?) towards his final destination. Thinspo theme is... fashion? Dresses? I don't know.

"No pain remains, no feeling - eternity awaits."

Oregon Advice

I've been working on this post for a few days so I could slowly add ideas as they came to me. I need some personal advice about a move I may or may not make. :/

I am considering moving from Hollywood, CA to Beaverton, OR. Here are the personal pros and cons I can come up with in regards to the move.

PROS (reasons to move to Oregon)

• Way cheaper than living in California.
  
  Rent for a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment in CA = $1800. That does not include utilities, cable, etc. Rent for a similar apartment in Oregon = $675. That includes utilities because in Oregon things like heat are considered necessities for living.
  
  
• No more sales tax.
  
  Sales tax in this city is 9.75%. You read that right. That means if I buy something for $100, I actually have to pay $110. There is no sales tax in Oregon. If it says $100 you pay $100.
  
  
• No more traffic.
  
  It took me 18 minutes to travel one mile a few days ago. I'm not kidding. I send pictures of the navigation screen on my phone to friends in other states all the time because it's insane.
  
  
• Actually has seasons.
  
  California pretty much has summer (11 months out of the year) and a brief somewhat-cool-with-a-little-drizzle-of-rain patch thrown in there. The area I'm in doesn't have leaves that change colors. There is no snow. There's nothing besides sunshine and warm weather pretty much. I think it would be really neat to experience the weather changes.
  
  
• Closer to my disabled mom.
  
  My mom moved to Oregon when I was 14 and I've only seen her once a year ever since. She loves it there. She found work as an elementary school teacher and was doing great until she had an accident at work two years ago. At first she was paralyzed from the waist down but has since had two major back surgeries. She has some sensation and can walk a bit if she wants to. She gets around in a wheel chair for the most part. She's living on disability and worker's compensation. I love my mom and we've never had any conflict. This is the biggest reason I want to go.
  
  She keeps begging me to go out there and live with her (which I wouldn't do, bless her heart, I'd have to have a place of my own.) She has the typical guilty mom syndrome: divorce happened when I was 12, she gave custody to my dad, constantly drives herself mad with remorse about "leaving me" and "being a bad mom." In reality did she do either of things things? No. She was always there for me when I needed her and still is. She was a great mom and is a great mom.
  
  Side rant: my mom had me when she was 16 (hardly. Her birthday is October 28, mine is October 31.) Everyone wanted her to get an abortion but she wouldn't. She even moved out of her parent's home to live on her own (homeless for a time) because they said if she didn't get an abortion she couldn't live there. My mom fought for me. If she didn't care, if she didn't try, if she didn't sacrifice just to give me a chance at being alive I wouldn't be here. To any moms out there, particularly young ones: my hat goes off to you and I hope your children are amazingly grateful for the gift you gave them. [: I can't even imagine being that age and having the responsibility of a child. It's mind blowing.
  
  Back on topic: she lives with my step-dad and my two half brothers. I hardly know them since they were born and raised in Oregon. My step-dad is an awesome guy who makes a living touring the country with his KISS impersonation band (he's Paul Stanley.) He's also a corporate guy for WalMart so he has steady salary pay and my mom is pretty well off.
  
  
• Guaranteed job.
  
  If I can't find work right away my step-dad can get me a job in the photo department at WalMart. It's the best paying entry level job that they have there. I won't be making much ($11/hour + commission) but at least I don't have to stress out about employment.
  
  
• Friends will go with me.
  
  I have three friends who are willing to make the journey with me. One of them lived in Portland for two years and wants to go back, the other is my long time friend and neighbor who started off with her eating disorder at the same time I did, and the last is my current roommate. It's always nice to know that I won't have to do it alone.
  

CONS (reasons to stay in California)

• Never moved before.
  
  I was born and raised here. I like it here. I've never been through the experience of moving to a new town, going to a new school, finding new friends, and dealing with a new environment. One friend who would go with me has traveled between Portland and LA so she's comfortable with it. My roommate is from a different country so he has a lot of experience. My good friend moved from California to Utah so she knows the drills. I'd be the odd man out.
  
  
• Miss my family and friends.
  
  This is really only about my grandfather. He gives me advice about everything and he's always there for me. I don't know what I'll do if my main support line is so far away. There's also the fact that he's old and I don't know how much longer I'll get to enjoy his company.
  
  
• Like the environment here / "LA culture."
  
  I hate trees and forests and nature and fresh air and open space. I'm a terrible person. I want a concrete jungle. I want gray buildings so high that they block out my view of the sun. What horizon? My horizon is the line I have to tilt my head way back to see. It's jagged and made of steel. I'm really repulsed by the thought of "country living" and I can't explain why. When I was looking at listings for apartments in Oregon it was killing me. "Country Living with City Convenience!" No. My soul hurts. I want rainbow sunsets created by decades of pollution. I want a haze of brown around my city. It really screws with me emotionally to think that I'll leave this behind. (I'm not being sarcastic.) I like all the 24 hour shops, the aggressive attitude people have, the rush-rush feeling, the night life, the variety of cultures. I'll miss all of it. Terribly. This is going to be my single biggest obstacle.
  
  When I was in Oregon there were signs on the highway leading to the local highschool. There is ONE highschool in the entire fucking city. What the...? My heart bleeds. I really need to abandon this topic because it's making me want to say "fuck all" and forget about moving all together. ]:
  
  
• Can't drive 75mph anymore. Can I drive at all?

My car is very close to the ground and I've never tried to drive it in the snow. Not to mention that the speed limit on the highway out here is 75mph and it's 50mph in Oregon. Driving in Oregon always makes me anxious as hell. I'm relaxed and at home in traffic surrounded by unpredictable drivers in 110 degree weather. I don't know how to function when everything is organized and slow paced on the ice. Will I have to get chains for my tires? ...how do I even put those on?


• Can only take one car full of possessions.

I'd have to sell my furniture and start all over and I'm not looking forward to that. I don't want to pay for a moving van, nor are any of us comfortable driving it. I would probably take some clothes, my TV, my computer, video games, some blankets and pillows, and my cat. (Who would be miserable and stressed the entire time.)


• Have to sell a lot of things that aren't compatible with Oregon.
  
  I can't take my motorcycle to Oregon. There are some pets that I don't want to transport because they wouldn't survive it.
  
  
• Miss my job.
  
  I have an awesome job doing what I love at the moment. The pay is great, the office is really relaxed, there's no dress code, internet access is unmonitored - I can go on and on. I don't think I'll be able to find anything like it in Oregon or anywhere else.
  
  
• Generally uprooting my life.
  
  I'll have to let my car insurance company know that I'm moving. I'll have to do my renter's insurance again. I have to get my mail forwarded. I have to change my address. I have to get my license again. I don't want to deal with all the paperwork associated with moving to a new state with new laws.
  

What would you do in my position? Think I missed any pros or cons? Do you know anything about the area in Oregon? Thanks! [: Expect this post to be updated frequently as I add advice from friends.

Candy, Drinks

I read a few articles on the worst Halloween candies. Some of the stuff I came across was a real shocker so I thought I'd share the cold facts with everyone:

3 small Reese's = more sugar than a glazed doughnut.



1/2 pack of Skittles = more sugar than two scoops of ice-cream.



9 fun size Twizzlers = more calories than a Wendy's Double Stack.



Butterfinger fun size = 130 calories. Worst "fun size" candy.



3 Musketeers fun size = 41 calories. Best "fun size" candy.



1 can of soda = 2 Hershey's chocolate bars.



Average lollipop = 70 to 140 calories. (DumDums are 77!)



Dark chocolate (at least 60% cocoa) = less calories than milk chocolate.
Healthier too since it has: less fat, more flavonoids (helps your blood and arteries,) and epicatechin (prevents strokes and increases brain function.)

If you want to continue scaring yourself out of eating anything too bad for Halloween check out this list of drinks and their equivalents. Here's one example out of the twenty that they give you:

1 Rockstar = 6 Krispie Kreme Glazed Doughnuts!
And I was scared of some boba?

Boba, Thinspo

I was talking to a friend today and I think I'm traumatized. Have you have had a delicious boba drink? Bubble tea? Tapioca? They have a thousand different names. (No, this isn't me, it's some random picture from Google.)



Those suckers are overflowing with calories. 1/4 cup of boba/tapioca/bubbles has 270 calories and 45% of your daily carbohydrates. What in the world? Where do these calories come from? The actual tapioca itself is super calorie dense. Then if you add in the fact that they're slowly cooked in a maple syrup sugary concoction... it all starts to come together.

The drinks themselves aren't low calorie either. Here is a short list:

Honeydew Milk Tea - 361 calories

Milk Tea -260 calories

Lychee / Litchi Jelly - 125 calories

In case you've ever wondered what the milk teas are made of it's usually a mix of condensed milk, regular milk, a tea base and water. The condensed milk is where most of the calories come from. I'm really bummed out. I love these drinks.

Time for some dancer thinspo. [:
































This has nothing to do with the topic but I found it while I was looking and I love the outfit.



This one just cracks me up.

Comparisons

Halloween is only 3 weeks away. How are you doing with your goal?

Side note: for most men's costumes the "plus size" versions use the same picture as the regular sizes. I wonder why...?

Pages

I finished almost all of my pages! The only section that needs to be done is "thinspiration." I'm at a loss. I normally post pictures as part of my journal entries. :/

I've been super anxious for the past week. I'm not a professional by any means but I have my second photo shoot on October 22nd. I've only modeled once before for Gothic Beauty. This time it's going to be for various photographers representing a variety of things. (I'm new to this so I'm not sure if that type of event has a special term.) People from Hot Topic, Title Unknown, and Demonia footwear will be there.

It's an "accessory" photo shoot where we'll be modeling things like jewelry, boots, and certain articles of clothing. Nothing is going to be a full body shot from what I understand. That's a relief because I have no idea how to actually model... but I can screw around with my hand or a foot and make it look all right I guess.

I'm going back to my silver hair before the shoot because when they asked me if I wanted the job that was my hair color. I really don't think hair color matters but better safe than sorry. The recruitment process was really funny (ah, Hollywood:)

Man: Excuse me?
Me: Yes?
Man: Are you comfortable with the fact that you're very androgynous?
Me: Sure. It's a compliment.
Man: Are you free for a weekend in October? *gives business card* E-mail me.
Me: Okay.

That was it. It's similar to how my first session happened. They're always one shot one day things that pay me a couple hundred bucks. Why not? Money to fund my Halloween costume. (I'm going to be George Washington. My friends are going to be Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and so on. Isn't that gangster? ...yeah, we're lame and want excuses to wear colonial outfits.)

Halloween Goal

While making some layout changes I happened to look over my older blog entries. It made me think of other sites that I've seen. I recollected all the stories that I had read, all the lives I had peeked into, all the similar situations...

No. No. NO.

This sounds so cruel but I can't be like them! I have seen countless stories like mine: I was doing so well in the beginning. I went from 175lbs / 79.5kg to 120lbs / 54.4kg in about four months.

But then the weight loss stopped. The dream diverged. I've been bouncing between 110lbs / 49kg and 120lbs / 54kg ever since then.

At Halloween last year I was very pleased to reach 130lbs. It's almost Halloween again and I am 118.8lbs. Has it really been an entire year and I've only lost 10lbs / 5kg? This is not happening. This can't be.

This is unsatisfactory. All the suffering I put myself through? All the events I dodged? It's was all for naught now because suddenly my path has been clearly laid out before me. I have no one to blame but myself.

Halloween is not only my second favorite holiday (Christmas is number one) - it's also my birthday. I need this more than anything. I deserve a present from myself that no one else can give me. I want to finally reach my long term goal. I need to be 99lbs.

I'm going to set a very strict limit of 310 calories per day. According to all the calculators and math equations I've slaved over, this is the maximum amount I can have while doing NO physical activity in order to reach my goal in time. If I eat more than that I have no choice but to burn it off. I can't subtract from future days. I have to do the exercise. There will be no excuses this time around.

I've never been more happy to be upset. At least I won't feel sad again until my anger cools down. Cheese and rice... I've been sad for almost three weeks straight. This feeling has got to go. :/

Anyone else have a Halloween goal? You have 31 days to make it happen! Give it your best and good luck to you. This might help you.