I took a break again, but I do go on mini-hiatuses for a reason. I only post here when I have something worth posting about... I don't want to waste everyone's time with random crap that has nothing to do with the topic at hand. One of my pending New Year's resolutions is to devote more time to this blog, even if it is just by posting thinspo as a filler. (Another resolution is to lose some weight but the more I think about that the more redundant it seems.)
Current weight: 125.8lbs / 57.1 kg
The holiday season eventually came around and bit me. Ironically, I hit my lowest weight during the Thanksgiving weekend... then magically put on six pounds (2.8kg) during the second week of December. I wasn't eating a ton, but I was eating like a "normal" person for about a week and that did me in.
I had a lot of stressful events take place between December 6th and December 15th, so during that time I ate whatever I wanted in moderation. (Laid off from a job, finals for college, car broke down and needs $1,800.00 USD repair.) If I felt like pizza, I would have a slice. If I wanted soda, I'd drink half a can. If I heard a friend was going to Taco Bell, I'd go with them and have a taco. I didn't binge and feel sick... but I would feel full at the end of each day and that added up. I avoided a scale completely during this time because I knew what it would tell me.
Currently I'm looking for another job (I still have two but they're both very part time) and trying to save up money to fix my car so my updates might be a little sporadic. I apologize in advance and thank anyone who has been patient enough to stick it out this far!
Zoe: Thanks so much for your input! You know, I had never even thought about that one and it's pretty obvious... it does seem like a lot of people with EDs do it simply because they need to control something in their life. Maybe it's a false sense of stability or security? I like your ideas.
Duke: I'm flattered. Thank you for letting me know someone out there is reading! (:
Birdie: I need to learn to take my own advice... but I've been back on track since the 16th. I'm going to post all the dirty details right below these responses so have a look. It's a perfect example of how well the rules work if you stick with them! Good luck to you. ♥
Anonymous: Hunger pangs still haven't been a problem for me. I'm not exactly the healthiest person in the world due to genetics, so maybe it's just because I'm used to tolerating other types of pain? I struggle much more with the mental aspect of hunger. When I crave the taste of something it drives me mad. I find that a good way to beat the system is to get the liquid form of whatever I want. If I want meat, I'll drink some broth. If I need sweets, I'll have a Yoohoo (chocolate drink) or cream soda. If I were you I would totally invest in some "zero calorie" foods that you can fill your stomach with. Miso soups, plain broths, crackers... put them all together and throw in some tasty vegetables while you're at it. If you don't have time to cook (or you're scared of potential calories,) you can always try the old "drink so much that you feel sick" tactic. If hunger pangs are getting to you just chug water until you can't take it anymore. A final option is to try and plan out what you'll eat for the day. You can try to space everything out so that you're not going too long without a little something here and there. Hope it helps! Let me know how everything goes. [:
Anonymous xx: You are welcome! I hope you like my blog. I think I have a lot of readers who speak other languages. I wish I could speak French for you. Your English is very good. (: Good luck to you! Keep up the good work.
After the week of gaining like mad and stressing out, I decided to go back to my rules with a vengeance. Here's a summary of what I ate on those days and how much I lost. I didn't write out how much water I drank since that has no calories and I can have as much as I'd like.
16th, 131.2lbs - 6'' Subway ham sandwich on white bread with extra mayonnaise, mustard, pickles, olives, American cheese, lettuce, salt, pepper, oil, avocado and vinegar (400 calories.) 1/2 single serving bag salt & vinegar chips (75 calories.) 1/2 single serving bag of Cheetos crunchy chips (160 calories.) 1/2 Barq's root beer (90 calories.) Total intake including liquids: 725 calories.
17th, 128.6lbs - Other 1/2 single serving bag salt & vinegar chips (75 calories.) Other 1/2 single serving bag of Cheetos crunchy chips (160 calories.) 1/4 ham and cheddar cheese sandwich with lettuce, mayonnaise, white bread and no crust (45 calories.) 1 cup hot chocolate made with water (113 calories.) Total intake including liquids: 393 calories.
18th, 127.0lbs - 10 saltine crackers (120 calories.) 1 cup hot chocolate made with water (113 calories.) 1 serving Chili Cheese Fritos (160 calories.) 1 strawberry Ring Pop (70 calories.) 1 Sprite (100 calories.) Total intake including liquids: 563 calories.
19th, 126.4lbs - 1 tangerine (30 calories.) 1/2 pear Gerber baby food (30 calories.) 1/4 cup mashed potatoes with butter, salt, ketchup and pepper (70 calories.) 1 serving zucchini with marinara sauce (30 calories.) 1/2 Sierra Mist (70 calories.) Total intake including liquids: 230 calories.
20th, 125.8lbs - 1/2 A&W cream soda (80 calories.) It's only 4:00am on the 20th, so this will change but that's where I am for now.
I really want to be 120lbs by Christmas and it depresses me to think I won't make it... I need to stick to the plan. I don't know if I can lose 6lbs in five days but I'm going to try. I'll follow all of my rules and focus on staying under 300 calories a day.
Some of you might be squinting at my intake for the 19th. Yes, it really does say baby food. Toddler and baby food products are usually low in calories with decent sized portions. Some of them taste terrible, but there are others that are delicious. The Gerber pear flavor tastes exactly like pear sauce (think apple sauce but with pears), and half a portion is about the size of a standard pudding cup. They also have really good cereals and oatmeals meant for babies that are about 60 calories per cup as opposed to 130+ for "normal" adult ones.
I got away with buying them by telling my friends that there was an upcoming baby shower. Most of them snickered at me and said, "You don't get baby food for a shower! You get clothes and stuff." I shrugged it off and replied, "Well dang it! I already bought the stuff. How was I supposed to know? I don't go to baby showers all the time." One of my roommates saw the food sitting in the pantry about a week later and questioned me. I told her, "I felt stupid after you guys told me it was the wrong type of gift so I bought something else. No use in letting it go to waste. It's still food, I'll eat it!" She laughed, asked me what it tasted like and thought nothing of it.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Thinspo, Weight Update
I took a big break! I went out of the country for Thanksgiving so sorry that it took me so long to reappear. Avoiding that holiday feast was a witch but I managed my way around it.
Current weight: 124.8lbs / 56.6 kg
Trying to aim for high calorie, small portion foods. Small calorie small portion foods are even better, but given the choice I'd rather have something that weighs less and has more calories than something that's bigger with less calories.
A few days before Thanksgiving I started complaining about stomach problems. I tried to make it pretty obvious around whoever I was with. I'd spend time in the bathroom reading a magazine or texting while I flushed an empty toliet a few times. I griped about having the runs and throwing up a few times... and my friends even swore I had a fever and looked like crap (thanks, guys. I guess they were just worried about me.)
Current weight: 124.8lbs / 56.6 kg
Trying to aim for high calorie, small portion foods. Small calorie small portion foods are even better, but given the choice I'd rather have something that weighs less and has more calories than something that's bigger with less calories.
A few days before Thanksgiving I started complaining about stomach problems. I tried to make it pretty obvious around whoever I was with. I'd spend time in the bathroom reading a magazine or texting while I flushed an empty toliet a few times. I griped about having the runs and throwing up a few times... and my friends even swore I had a fever and looked like crap (thanks, guys. I guess they were just worried about me.)
When it came time to feast my excuse was already well in the works. I filled up a plate with food just as normal and had a few glasses of cranberry juice. I pushed the food around on my plate and even whined about running out of gravy. In the end I didn't eat a bite of it and my family went, "Well at least tried to eat a plate of food. Finishing half isn't bad. Let us know if you can keep it down."
Flawless victory. I try to waste most of my calorie allowance on liquids... and my new rule is to not eat anything unless certain conditions are met. It's working fantastically - better than anything else has before. Here are the rules:
1. It has to be free. I'm not paying for food ever again. This is also a great excuse to get out of eating. "Oh, I don't have the money." "I get paid tomorrow." "I can't afford to go out and eat."
2. It has to be offered to me. I never instigate a food endeavor. I always wait for a friend to suggest going out to eat, or an aunt to ask me if I want some of her cookies. On top of that, I always decline the first time. Not only is it the thing to do in Western culture, but sometimes people buy it and drop the topic.
3. I have to have be hungry. Some of you are probably rolling your eyes. "But I'm always hungry." I mean that I need to be literally physically hungry. Stomach burning, feeling a little weak, grumbling belly... everyone knows how they feel when they need to eat. There's a difference between craving chocolate because it tastes good and needing a sandwich because your body craves the fuel.
1. It has to be free. I'm not paying for food ever again. This is also a great excuse to get out of eating. "Oh, I don't have the money." "I get paid tomorrow." "I can't afford to go out and eat."
2. It has to be offered to me. I never instigate a food endeavor. I always wait for a friend to suggest going out to eat, or an aunt to ask me if I want some of her cookies. On top of that, I always decline the first time. Not only is it the thing to do in Western culture, but sometimes people buy it and drop the topic.
3. I have to have be hungry. Some of you are probably rolling your eyes. "But I'm always hungry." I mean that I need to be literally physically hungry. Stomach burning, feeling a little weak, grumbling belly... everyone knows how they feel when they need to eat. There's a difference between craving chocolate because it tastes good and needing a sandwich because your body craves the fuel.
4. I have to love it. This applies for everything from now on, just like number one does. If I'm going to put it inside of me and risk all the calories, fat, weight, and stress... then it better be super delicious and exactly the way I like it. If there's something I don't like about it then that's just another excuse for me to stop eating it.
Following these rules means that I've fasted here and there for a day or two because all the conditions aren't met. I feel like I'll be eating a lot less as time goes forward too because my friends are already tired of having to pay for me and buy me a meal that I really like. [:
There are days when I've eaten a lot more than I have in a while (yesterday is a good example, Denny's oatmeal in the morning and a steak in the evening) but the non-eating days make up for it in my mind.
I'll post pictures of my progress soon. For those of you who found me on MySpace, you already know how jazzed I am. Seeing myself in pictures amazes me now. I look pretty good. I'm becoming photogenic because I'm not worried about how I'll look from what angle. I used to hate seeing pictures of myself because it'd just make me realize how big I was or how dumb certain clothes looked on me. Not anymore! Thank you, self-appointed eating issues.
I have a feeling I'm going to rub a few people the wrong way, but hey, it's the Internet. While I'm on the subject: when I first started down this path I ran into a lot of big red text that said something like, "Anorexia (or insert other eating disorder) is a disease. You can't get it. If you're here to figure out how to be anorexic, leave because that's impossible." I'm not sure why people were saying it, but I have several theories.
1. They're elitists. Every group has them.
2. They're in recovery and scared of triggers. If this is the case, then more power to you. Do whatever you can to stay on track and keep people who ask about your eating habits away from you.
3. They've actually been diagnosed, so they use the terminology as a coping mechanism. It's a lot easier to say "oh man, I have this illness and if I just do these things then I'll recover" than it is to admit to yourself that you probably have self-image issues and need time to figure out how to deal with that.
4. In my limited experience, I've learned that people tweak with their eating habits for a lot of reasons. Some do it for attention. Some have suicidal tendencies. Some are so busy that they don't realize they're potentially "anorexic." Some just want to lose weight and they can't figure out a diet that works fast enough for them. Whatever the case, maybe some of these red text people are in the attention category. They want to make it obvious that this is loldangerous and loladisease and loldeadly.
5. Of course, there are the people who are being knowledgeable and experienced. But I don't understand why they would want to plaster this information all over their page. If you think it's a disease you can't "get," why warn people away from it?
As a footnote: yes, I realize in all seriousness that it very well can be deadly and is considered a disease. I'm not trying to make fun of that. If I were, I would just throw the number four people in the self-injury/attention seeking category and be done with it. I do have to say that I respect the number fours. There are a lot easier, less painful, not-as-long-term options that would get the same results. (Like walking up to someone and saying, "I'm not having a good day. Can we talk?") You guys have a lot of drive.
What do you think? Why do the red texters do what they do?
Thinspo! Before and after pictures.
There are days when I've eaten a lot more than I have in a while (yesterday is a good example, Denny's oatmeal in the morning and a steak in the evening) but the non-eating days make up for it in my mind.
I'll post pictures of my progress soon. For those of you who found me on MySpace, you already know how jazzed I am. Seeing myself in pictures amazes me now. I look pretty good. I'm becoming photogenic because I'm not worried about how I'll look from what angle. I used to hate seeing pictures of myself because it'd just make me realize how big I was or how dumb certain clothes looked on me. Not anymore! Thank you, self-appointed eating issues.
I have a feeling I'm going to rub a few people the wrong way, but hey, it's the Internet. While I'm on the subject: when I first started down this path I ran into a lot of big red text that said something like, "Anorexia (or insert other eating disorder) is a disease. You can't get it. If you're here to figure out how to be anorexic, leave because that's impossible." I'm not sure why people were saying it, but I have several theories.
1. They're elitists. Every group has them.
2. They're in recovery and scared of triggers. If this is the case, then more power to you. Do whatever you can to stay on track and keep people who ask about your eating habits away from you.
3. They've actually been diagnosed, so they use the terminology as a coping mechanism. It's a lot easier to say "oh man, I have this illness and if I just do these things then I'll recover" than it is to admit to yourself that you probably have self-image issues and need time to figure out how to deal with that.
4. In my limited experience, I've learned that people tweak with their eating habits for a lot of reasons. Some do it for attention. Some have suicidal tendencies. Some are so busy that they don't realize they're potentially "anorexic." Some just want to lose weight and they can't figure out a diet that works fast enough for them. Whatever the case, maybe some of these red text people are in the attention category. They want to make it obvious that this is loldangerous and loladisease and loldeadly.
5. Of course, there are the people who are being knowledgeable and experienced. But I don't understand why they would want to plaster this information all over their page. If you think it's a disease you can't "get," why warn people away from it?
As a footnote: yes, I realize in all seriousness that it very well can be deadly and is considered a disease. I'm not trying to make fun of that. If I were, I would just throw the number four people in the self-injury/attention seeking category and be done with it. I do have to say that I respect the number fours. There are a lot easier, less painful, not-as-long-term options that would get the same results. (Like walking up to someone and saying, "I'm not having a good day. Can we talk?") You guys have a lot of drive.
What do you think? Why do the red texters do what they do?
Thinspo! Before and after pictures.
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